I used to think that I would have most everything figured out by 28. A husband, recently purchased first home, high paying career job –with children on the horizon. All after a few years of quality time and adventuring with the man I was lucky enough to call my life partner.
My path has strayed far from this.
Some days when I let myself get in my head it seems like life has been one heartbreak after another. And not just romantically, it feels like faith seems to come and go from my life like roads that always end up at a dead end. First with my dad- who passed away when I was little, and the challenges of being a young girl looking for males to validate her in the places her father couldn’t. Then in college with the passing away of a good friend and someone I had real feelings for. Followed by a litany of mistakes with a man I had convinced myself I would marry. Then after a refreshing move to Denver and unexpectedly being let down again, not once but twice. Some days I’ve even convinced myself that I’m meant to end up alone or that I may never catch the eye of anyone who thinks I’m worth keeping forever.
It’s always been like muscle memory for me to get lost in the past and the what if’s instead of focusing on the things I have control over. My mind is a constant playback of critical questions: What if I was more laid back, what if I asked for what I wanted, what if I didn’t push so hard, what if I let myself be more vulnerable, what if I tried harder to be strong. The list could go on and on.
It has eluded me that I am able to operate with confidence on the surface but still feel stuck in the reality that I am actually lacking most of my self worth. This has led to days where I feel like a stranger in my own skin. It’s as if there is a mature, rational person inside of me who can accept the world as it is, and an irrational, jaded, skeptic who can’t process emotions any more effectively than the angry 10 year old version of a person I once was.
It has been an uphill battle to remember to speak kindly to myself and to look deeper at the really broken, abandoned little girl and remember she needs compassion and love too. Just the same way I am capable of giving it to any child I interact with in real life. I need to teacher her how to love again and feel deserving. I need to remind her everything will be ok and believe it. I need to tell her not to be scared… that there will come a day when she opens up and it won’t have to feel so dangerous.
I am focusing more on being mindful and remembering that this moment is the only one I have. I’m am learning that it is more dangerous to wander into the past or jump into the murky waters of the future than to be right where I am. Right now I am reminding myself that pain is just the signal I need to get back in touch with the child in myself. She has resentment and disarray from doors in her life that have never been closed and confusion on where to look for that. I am learning to be that second parent she was missing in order to create the most sustainable version of closure, the kind that you give to yourself.
I’ve made the decision to focus more on living in the moment and to try trusting myself. I know that some moments will always carry chaos and that is ok, but there is no reward in trying to imagine what’s to come before it actually gets here. All that does is leave me with regret and anxiety over wasted time that I fill with self criticism and nit picking. I once heard that only 85% of the things you worry about actually happen. This number is so much in my favor I know it is not logical to think that the scenarios I dream up will fall into the 15%, yet the emotional side of me can’t seem to grasp that I am safer than I think.
So I’m starting with the small things. I am making promises to myself that I can keep to remind myself I am trustworthy. I am putting my attention on my senses and getting in touch with them when I start to drift from the present moment. I am acknowledging my emotions as they come, but only holding on to the ones that have served in protecting me from previous wounds. I’m acknowledging how they serve me so I don’t have to resent them so much. I am sorting through those signals and finding ways that I can get those same messages in a healthier way.
It is a process and even the minor steps can be exhausting, but I am learning and staying focused on each day as it comes. I can feel myself creating a more well balanced individual, someone who I can be proud of. A woman who has taken her old habits and used them to create purpose in life. I am confident than will serve me longer than any job, individual, or material item ever will. I am hopeful this change will prepare me to be able to recognize the path my life was intended to take all along, and I can finally take pressure off of trying to fit into a mold.
Quarterlife Calm 